Gwyneth, Save My Quota

[Verse 1]
Hey, Gwyneth Paltrow, it’s Chad from HR at Netflix,
I’m sloshed on kombucha, got your number from the execs.
We’re launching “Goop Diversity,” a candle-scented plan,
To make our boardroom vibe align with your jade egg brand.
I swear, your vibe’s the fix for our quarterly report,
Help us check those boxes, girl, before the shareholders snort.

[Chorus]
Gwyneth, babe, call me back, let’s save the corporate soul,
Your chakra cleanse can quota-fill, make our ESG goals whole!
I’m begging through the blur of this artisanal gin,
Let’s woke-wash Netflix together, where do I begin?

[Verse 2]
I pitched to Reed Hastings, said your aura’s pure gold,
He mumbled ‘synergy,’ now our diversity’s sold.
We’ll stream a doc called “Conscious Capitalist Cry,”
With Meghan Markle guesting, spilling tea on why.
It’s peak inclusivity, or so I slurred at the bar,
But now I’m scared HR’s gonna fire me from this car.

[Chorus]
Gwyneth, babe, call me back, let’s save the corporate soul,
Your chakra cleanse can quota-fill, make our ESG goals whole!
I’m begging through the blur of this artisanal gin,
Let’s woke-wash Netflix together, where do I begin?

[Bridge]
I’m seeing double, did I just pitch a yoga retreat?
For Silicon Valley bros to decolonize their spreadsheet?
Oh no, I think I mentioned your $75 soap,
Now Reed’s on Slack saying, “Chad, you’re on a tightrope!”

[Outro]
Wait, is this recording? Gwyneth, delete this, please!
I’m just a DEI drunk, crying on my knees!