Gwyneth, Save My Quota

[Verse 1] Hey, Gwyneth Paltrow, it’s Chad from HR at Netflix, I’m sloshed on kombucha, got your number from the execs. We’re launching “Goop Diversity,” a candle-scented plan, To make our boardroom vibe align with your jade egg brand. I swear, your vibe’s the fix for our quarterly report, Help us check those boxes, girl, before the shareholders snort. [Chorus] Gwyneth, babe, call me back, let’s save the corporate soul, Your chakra cleanse can quota-fill, make our ESG goals whole! I’m begging through the blur of this artisanal gin, Let’s woke-wash Netflix together, where do I begin? [Verse 2] I pitched to Reed Hastings, said your aura’s pure gold, He mumbled ‘synergy,’ now our diversity’s sold. We’ll stream a doc called “Conscious Capitalist Cry,” With Meghan Markle guesting, spilling tea on why. It’s peak inclusivity, or so I slurred at the bar, But now I’m scared HR’s gonna fire me from this car. [Chorus] Gwyneth, babe, call me back, let’s save the corporate soul, Your chakra cleanse can quota-fill, make our ESG goals whole! I’m begging through the blur of this artisanal gin, Let’s woke-wash Netflix together, where do I begin? [Bridge] I’m seeing double, did I just pitch a yoga retreat? For Silicon Valley bros to decolonize their spreadsheet? Oh no, I think I mentioned your $75 soap, Now Reed’s on Slack saying, “Chad, you’re on a tightrope!” [Outro] Wait, is this recording? Gwyneth, delete this, please! I’m just a DEI drunk, crying on my knees!