Behind my smile

I face the darkness I silently keep.

I want to say, “I’m not okay,”
But the words just fade away.
What if they look at me differently?
What if they think less of me?

So I cry where nobody sees,
Behind closed doors, down on my knees.
I’m scared to tell them what’s inside,
So I keep all my tears behind my smile.
They call me strong, but they don’t know
How many times I’ve almost let go.
I’m a mother, but I’m hurting too…
And I don’t know who I can run to.

Sometimes I stare at the ceiling at night,
Wondering when I stopped feeling alive.
I have so much love for my children,
But sometimes I’m too tired just to survive.

I laugh when somebody asks, “Are you fine?”
I say, “Yes,” while I’m breaking inside.
Because I’m afraid they'll say I’m weak,
If they ever hear the words I cannot speak.

I wish someone would look in my eyes,
And ask me twice, “Are you really alright?”
Not judge me, not tell me what to do,
Just stay beside me and say, “I’m here with you.”

So I cry where nobody sees,
Behind closed doors, down on my knees.
I’m scared to tell them what’s inside,
So I keep all my tears behind my smile.
They call me strong, but they don’t know
How many times I’ve been hurting alone.
I’m a mother, but I’m human too…
And sometimes I need someone to hold me too.

Maybe someday I’ll find the courage
To say the words I’ve hidden for so long:
“I’m tired… I’m hurting…
But I’m still holding on.”

And maybe someone will finally understand
That being a mother doesn’t mean I never break.
Even the strongest hands sometimes tremble,
Even strong hearts sometimes ache.

I cried where nobody saw me,
But tonight I’m choosing to be free.
I don’t have to hide every scar,
I don’t have to pretend I’m not falling apart.
If I say, “I’m not okay,”
I hope someone will choose to stay.
Because behind this tired mother’s smile,
There’s a heart that’s been fighting all this while.

I’m still here…
I’m still trying…
For my children, for myself.
And maybe tomorrow,
I won’t have to cry alone.