ALAN THE MUTOH MAN

Monday morning, phone starts ringing,
Another Mutoh’s stopped mid-print,
Everyone’s standing there scratching their heads,
Alan walks in — knows what it is.

He knows every pump, every board, every head,
Every error code ever made,
But ask him where he left his phone…
He’s been looking for it half the day!

**[Pre-Chorus]**
He can rebuild a printer blindfolded,
Bring a dead machine back again,
But tell him something five minutes ago…

You’ll have to tell him again!

**[Chorus]**
**ALAN! ALAN! THE MUTOH MAN!**
Fixes every printer that nobody can!
Every wire, every board, every head, every jam,
There ain’t much trouble that can stop Alan!

**ALAN! ALAN! TECHNICAL KING!**
He can diagnose damn near anything!
He’ll fix your printer before you’ve begun…

Then forget what he came here to get done!

**[Gang vocals]**
HEY! HEY!
WHERE’S YOUR KEYS?
HEY! HEY!
WHERE’S YOUR PHONE?

**[Verse 2]**
Nozzle check rough? He knows the reason,
Banding again? Give him a sec,
Firmware fault or ink starvation,
Alan’s already halfway through the check.

He’ll give you a twenty-minute explanation,
Every detail perfectly clear,
Then turn around and ask the room…

“Hang on… why’d I come in here?”

**[Pre-Chorus]**
Twenty years of printer knowledge,
Stored somewhere inside his brain,
But ask him what we’re doing tomorrow…

“Mate, tell me that again.”

**[Chorus]**
**ALAN! ALAN! THE MUTOH MAN!**
Fixes every printer that nobody can!
UV, solvent, whatever the jam,
You know there’s only one bloke in the plan!

**ALAN! ALAN! TECHNICAL KING!**
He can diagnose damn near anything!
He’ll solve a fault nobody else can see…

Then spend ten minutes looking for his keys!

**[Bridge – half time]**
“Alan, did you bring the parts?”

…Yeah.

“Where are they?”

…Hang on.

“Alan, did you send that email?”

…I was gonna.

“Alan, what did I tell you this morning?”

…Mate…

**WHAT MORNING?!**

**[Drums kick back in]**

**[Final Chorus]**
**ALAN! ALAN! THE MUTOH MAN!**
Keeping printers running across the land!
Give him a toolbox, a fault and a plan,
There’s nobody better than our mate Alan!

**ALAN! ALAN! RAISE YOUR BEER!**
The printer whisperer’s standing right here!
He might forget what you told him at two…

But when your Mutoh breaks—

**HE KNOWS WHAT TO DO!**

**[Outro – gang vocals]**
ALAN!
ALAN!
ALAN!

**WHERE’D YOU PUT YOUR KEYS?!**

**ALAN!**