I LOOKED BETTER IN THE DARK

But you don’t know how deep those little words go.

You don’t live inside my head,
You don’t hear the things you said.
I let it slide, I let it go,
I smile outside — you’d never know.

Some wounds don't bleed where people can see,
Some scars are just the things you say to me.
You leave the room, the words remain,
Like little drops that turn into rain.

I looked better in the dark,
Where nobody could see me.
No mirror, no questions,
No one telling me who to be.

I looked better in the dark,
At least that’s what I thought.
I could hide from everybody,
But I couldn’t hide my thoughts.

I looked better in the dark,
But the dark was never kind.
It only hid the mirror,
It never hid my mind.

Sometimes I wonder why I can’t be
Like all the girls you praise so easily.
I know I shouldn’t measure who I am
By every careless word you throw my way.

You call it funny, you call it light,
But I replay every word at night.
You point at things I’m trying to hide,
Then tell me I should just let it slide.

You can put flowers over a wound,
But that doesn't make the garden healed.
You can paint the walls a different color,
But you can't erase what I already feel.

I learned to change before you could complain,
Changed my clothes, my hair, my face.
A different angle, a different light,
Maybe this time I’ll finally feel alright.

But you don’t live inside my head,
You don’t replay the things you said.
I compare, then I compare some more,
And find another thing I never hated before.

I kept fixing what was never broken,
Trying to silence every word unspoken.
I kept changing what I could see,
Till I almost forgot who I used to be.

I looked better in the dark,
Where nobody could see me.
No mirror, no questions,
No one telling me who to be.

I looked better in the dark,
At least that’s what I thought.
I could hide from everybody,
But I couldn’t hide my thoughts.

I looked better in the dark,
But the dark was never kind.
It only hid the mirror,
It never hid my mind.

A little light, a little shade,
A different angle — maybe I’ll change.
Hair up, hair down, makeup gone,
How many versions till I feel like I belong.

Maybe the mirror wasn't cruel,
Maybe I was listening to the wrong rules.
Maybe every face I tried to become
Was just another place I tried to run.

I used to like the mirror on the wall,
Now I barely look at all.
I see a hundred little flaws,
Things nobody else would ever notice at all.

Everybody’s beautiful when they’re standing in a crowd,
But somehow I’m the only one I can’t feel good about.
I say, “I’m okay,” and let the moment pass,
Then all those quiet words come running back.

You said, “You look pretty,” then you laughed when I looked down,
You said, “It’s only a joke,” so why can’t I laugh now?
Maybe it was nothing to you,
But it became something I couldn’t undo.

Who told me I was not enough?
Who taught me I should hide?
Who made me hate the girl
I see on the other side?

Was it your words, or was it mine,
After hearing them a thousand times?
When does somebody else's voice
Become the voice inside your mind?

I looked better in the dark,
Where nobody could see me.
No mirror, no questions,
No one telling me who to be.

I looked better in the dark,
At least that’s what I thought.
I could hide from everybody,
But I couldn’t hide my thoughts.

I looked better in the dark,
But the dark was never kind.
It only hid the mirror,
It never hid my mind.

Bathroom light, late at night,
Messy hair and tired eyes.
I fix my hair, I change my clothes,
I look again — I still don’t know.

I’m pretty when I lie,
I’m pretty when I say I’m fine.
I’m pretty when I turn the lights
And leave myself behind.

Makeup on, makeup gone,
Hair up, hair down.
Maybe if I change enough,
I’ll finally want to stay around.

But you can’t cover up a wound
And call the whole thing healed.
You can’t plant flowers in the ashes
And pretend the fire never burned.

You can cover every crack with gold,
But underneath, the story still unfolds.
You can dress the pain in something new,
But the heart still remembers what it knew.

I don’t remember when looking at myself
Became something I had to feel.